Ok - Great news everybody!
After having some trouble meeting up schedules for him to walk me through it, eye_dea finally had a chance to VERY GENEROUSLY take some time out of his weekend and help me through this. It was a little time consuming, as the first go round didn't succeed - but through no fault of his own. It was the USB port I was using. He patiently encouraged me to try again, it all worked, and I'm currently installing .905 as we speak.
And what's more, I emphatically want to throw some money his way, and he won't even accept it.
Not enough good things can be said about eye_dea and people like him, so I'll just say the world would be better of with more like him.
Thanks again!
edit: Update was successful... Now rooting
edit 2: at about 1:30p.m.today, I had a useless soft-bricked Phone. Now, at 4:20p.m., I have a stock Droid Bionic rooted and running the latest .905 update. Awesomeness.